The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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