Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
