Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he told me I talked like a deaf person
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
