We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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