I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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