I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't deserve a penis
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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