omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
