I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
