I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
