Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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