So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
