What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
