I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
