Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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