The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize