Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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