i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
