Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
