my vag is so smooth its legendary
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize