i was born a porn star she said
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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