Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
