I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
