I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
