I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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