Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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