Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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