does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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