Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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