There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
