Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
