I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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