took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
