i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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