The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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