There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
