I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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