Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
