Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
my liver is dry heaving
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
