I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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