i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
