I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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