the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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