Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
