Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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