I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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