His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
