I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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