i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
