I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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