honey bunches of taint.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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