what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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