you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
