Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
