that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
