New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
