does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
