shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
