Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
