She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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