hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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