She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
